A song that reminds me of my ex is...

I’m not sure that I’ll ever forgive my ex for ruining Pink Floyd.

PSA: I am no longer listening to any funky music that a white boy plays in my presence, because I am now crippled by stress and anxiety every time ‘our song’ comes on.

Spotify and their personalised ‘Repeat Rewind’ playlists have been unintentionally screwing me over lately. Even though it’s been over a year and a half since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, and therefore just over a year and a half since I kicked him out of my Spotify account, I have found myself having to regularly endure a whole range of music that reminds me of him, whether I like it or not. (Thanks, mysterious Spotify algorithm.)

He spent 2016-2019 leeching off my monthly subscription and logged into my account (was he a man-child or saving-conscious? You decide!), which meant that we listened to each other’s playlists every day. Both of us were really into music so, despite having polar-opposite musical preferences on the whole, we had already influenced one another’s listening habits even before we came to the shared Spotify agreement. His favourite album was Pink Floyd’s The Wall- which I now dub him a basic bitch for whenever I get the urge to be petty for no reason- and he started (note: was regularly forced) to listen to Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now by The Smiths on repeat as I did any and all mundane tasks: having a shower, washing the dishes, folding clothes.

When we split up, I took a lot of pleasure in deleting his liked songs and playlists, and used the time to question why I ever wanted to be with someone who listened to Avenged Sevenfold or Bring Me The Horizon anyway. I naively assumed that this would be the last that I ever had to deal with him and his music taste, unaware that the ‘recommended for you’ feature would be spitting his songs back at me for (seemingly) years to come.

Now, some of this isn’t so bad- anything that sounds like 00s wannabe metal gets a swift skip within thirty seconds, and my day genuinely isn’t too phased. But when Pink Floyd, Fleetwood Mac, or The Doors come on (all of whom have produced some of my favourite songs of all time) I have to force myself to sit in the joyous horror of it, praying that Dreams won’t always have memories of him, and therefore a whole load of nausea and oh-God-why-was-I-ever-with-him, attached to it. It’s enough to make you want to lock your music taste away, never allow it to see the light of day again, and only shuffle your playlists when alone, like some kind of crazed, Fritzl-esque caricature that just really doesn’t want The Bee Gees ruined for them. Do exes not get enough after a break-up? Do they really need to take our music too?

To make myself feel better about the whole ordeal, I took to Instagram to hear which songs reminded you of your exes, and they were all bangers.

A song that reminds me of my ex is ‘No Scrubs’ by TLC.

I really hope that this song reminds you of your break-up, and not being in your relationship; if your ex has ruined No Scrubs of all songs for you, then we have an emergency on our hands. I genuinely don’t think that I would have gotten through ages eighteen to twenty-one without it.

Dare I say that this track is a cure for heartache? I would listen to it on repeat, until the back of my phone became warm from over-use, after splitting up with my ex. One of my best friends and I took to driving around Leeds in her car, drinking cans of iced caramel lattes from Aldi, whilst blasting No Scrubs at full volume until we felt better about our love lives. One day, we stopped at the traffic lights by the Sainsbury’s in Headingley, cranked up the volume, and proceeded to aggressively scream the lyrics to a group of boys who were crossing the road in front of us. Bless them, they must have known that we were both on a post-break-up mad one, because they just smiled at us and went on about their day, instead of giving us the finger like we probably deserved. Some people drink, some people eat, some people have a lot of sex, and some people listen to TLC twenty-four hours a day.

A song that reminds me of my ex is ‘You Oughta Know’ by Alanis Morissette.

This is possibly world’s most empowering break-up song: “Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?”… The power! The strength! The mockery! I hope you take some time to revel in the fact that, if ‘You Oughta Know’ reminds you of your ex, it will probably also remind them of you, and Alanis Morissette’s lyrics have to power to cut them deep. Go ahead, let that wry smile spread across your face as you sip your wine and mull that over for a little while longer. Jagged Little Pill has had our heartbroken backs since 1995, and it will continue to do so for years to come.

A song that reminds me of my ex is ‘Big Poppa’ by The Notorious B.I.G.

Imagining someone sobbing into a tub of Ben & Jerry’s, Bridget Jones-style, to the opening synth in this song is absolutely sending me… I’m praying, to whatever God is up there, that this was just a song that you listened to in the car together once, because a small part of me is wondering if your ex’s cutesy, romantic nickname was Big Poppa and it’s making me gip a little bit.

Any of our potential flames excitedly flinging their arms up whilst singing along to “Put your hands in the air if you’s a true player” was the red flag that we all needed, but never responded to. 🚩 It pains me to say it, because my guilty pleasure is hip hop and I can confidently rap every word of Big Poppa, but if your partner has a weird obsession with Biggie Smalls, do yourself a favour and abort mission. I speak from experience.

A song that reminds me of my ex is ‘Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High?’ by Arctic Monkeys.

If this reminds you of a past flame because they too only called you when they were high, I just want you to know that you were right to bin them off. But, that being said, having Arctic Monkeys ruined for you by an ex is a tragedy very similar to that of being unable to listen to No Scrubs anymore: my thoughts are with you. Test the water by dipping your toes into something less popular and heartbreak-related, like Only Ones Who Know or Do Me A Favour (you’ve got to feel those feels), and then work your way back to their bigger stuff. If I can reacquaint myself with Fleetwood Mac, then you can rekindle with your love of Arctic Monkeys!

A song that reminds me of my ex is ‘The Power of Love’ by Huey Lewis & The News.

It sounds like you had a concerningly amicable split with your ex… Why else would the idea of love saving your life ring true? Come on, be bitter and miserable, like the rest of us! If this isn’t the case, and we have yet another fallen hero that deserved more than being ruined by heartbreak, then this might just be the worst submission of them all. Not only has Huey Lewis & The News been tainted, but so has Back To The Future. No one deserves that kind of treatment, and so my only choice is to give this week’s Worst Ex Award to you. Have they no respect?

A song that reminds me of my ex is ‘Not Nineteen Forever’ by Courteeners.

Even though I love this song, this submission reeks of a wannabe indie kid that spends their evenings bouncing around in a bucket hat and crushing hopeful romantics’ dreams. Like the Arctic Monkeys, I’m going to say that splitting up might be the best thing that could have happened. Even though you won’t see it this way for a while, especially if this is one of your favourite songs that has now been ruined, Not Nineteen Forever could be the perfect break-up song; the lyrics tell the story of a girl who is telling her boyfriend to grow up and get his life together. One day, you might be able to see it as a pivotal indicator of who you are and how immature your first love was- unfortunately, getting there just takes a bit of time.

A song that reminds me of my ex is ‘Dickhead’ by Kate Nash.

Iconic answer. I think that this will be on my break-up playlist until the day I die; there’s something about Dickhead that’s so cathartic and raucous, and the wit in Kate Nash’s mundane, relatable lyrics have made me howl with laughter since I first listened to her on my iPod Shuffle, aged eight. In fact, my sister and I would sing this (hums and clicks included, obviously) to my little brother in the car on the way home from primary school. He was always getting in trouble with his class teacher, and after months of trialling every behaviour management technique in the book, his attitude still wasn’t improving. In the end, I think my dad gave up and took to letting Ellen and I torture him through song instead. Looking back on it now, you could say that my dad’s style of parenting has very much inspired both my performing arts degree and the way in which I have taken to comically ripping men apart on the internet. Conclusion: Dickhead by Kate Nash is suitable for any and all man-trolling occasions.

A song that reminds me of my ex is ‘Fuck You’ by Lily Allen.

Originally written as an attack on George W. Bush, this song has now become a staple in playlists made for getting over someone. On a similar vein to Kate Nash, there’s a track in her It’s Not Me, It’s You album for every person who’s pissed you off in the last year. Luckily, there is no greater therapy than prancing around your bedroom and imagining that you are performing Fuck You to an auditorium filled with your old flames. Apply the lyrics to your life three times a day after food, and watch yourself heal: the petition for Lily Allen to become NHS prescribed medication starts here.